Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
