so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
