Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
