I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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