Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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