I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
