Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
