How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
