He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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