He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
