It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
