My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He passed out mid-signature
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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