I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
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My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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