i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
