why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
