my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
