I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
