Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
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so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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