NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
