I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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