I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
