I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
