I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
