i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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