im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
