i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
