The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
