If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
