Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
