I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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