I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
