I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
