I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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