just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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