I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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