Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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