I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
