So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
