...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
