i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
