dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
