I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
