Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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