Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
