just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
