ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
