I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
