I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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