She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
