This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
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literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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