the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
