i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
