Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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