I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
