It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
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My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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