Heybabeimwearingurpanties
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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