Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
