I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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